Shattered Soulmate

[Elyse]

I had this dream a good while back and have wanted to share it for some time, but have struggled with the idea of posting it publicly because, like many of my dreams, it's kind of  personal. But it was also kind of an interesting ride. (Alot of my dreams are, though)  I've come close to posting this dream SO many times, and just couldn't press the post button. I decided to FINALLY post it here because, while the dream is upsetting to me, I don't think it is "troubling" per se... so probably not worth posting as a troubling dream.

I *think* I understand the meaning of the dream, but even still, I've had a hard time "getting over it". The dream was quite intense for me, so I'm also very interested in other interpretations. Like most of my more memorable dreams, the dream was very lengthy and vivid. And this one was weirdly complete. By that, I mean that I didn't wake up in the middle or in a way that made the dream incomplete. I woke up when the dream finished. What makes this dream so upsetting to me isn't so much the content or the ideas presented in the dream, but the intensity of the feelings inside this dream. I've had happy dreams, funny dreams, sad dreams, predictive dreams and just down-right heart-stopping, terrifying night terrors... but nothing I have ever dreampt has effected me quite like this dream. I know that by just reading it, it won't sound like much. It will sound like a sad adventure. A tragedy like you would read in a book (and it honestly does kind of sound like something you'd read in a book) ... but believe me when I say, when I had this dream, it honest to God felt like my soul was dying and still does a little bit when I think back on it.

This dream was intended... which, honestly, made it hurt more, I think. The intention was about a relationship I was in and whether or not it would work out. If I should keep trying. I had intended dreams for this relationship several times. About 4 out of 5 times I would, in fact, dream of our relationship. It felt like I was getting some intention practice. Maybe not on a huge scale, but on a small, safe, experimental level.  Many dreams made me feel like I should pursue the relationship and KEEP working on it. I will reluctantly admit that the not-so-great dreams I blamed mostly on anxiety. Like many of my dreams, the dreams that I believed led me to be with this man I was with were very metaphorical and vague, so maybe I had misinterpreted (Interpretation has never been a strength of mine). Maybe my intention was not precise enough ... more likely, those dreams simply reflected what I had hoped for. The answers I wanted but were otherwise useless. Not the answers I needed. (Because, as I mentioned, those were due to anxiety.  ;>_> )  At any rate, this dream certainly knocked me on my bottom. Which is one reason why I would like to share it. I had this dream before the actual end of the "relationship" and unlike a lot of my dreams it was one of those "slap-you-in-the-face" kind of dreams, which I get on very rare occasions when something very good or just terrible is right around the corner for me or someone very close to me and the universe really wants me to "get it". Some really tough realizations in this one... and not happy ones.

Also, before I get to the actual dream, I'd like to say (as I think I have in past dreams posted publicly) that I've never really believed in reincarnation. I had similar views on "soul mates". I don't study it. Read about it. Watch shows about it... but I've had several dreams now revolving around it. My beliefs now on reincarnation are that I am highly doubtful of it... but there are a lot of things that I just don't know and have no real way of knowing, so who knows. Maybe? But still doubtful. Maybe though. But probably not. (LOL!  ;P )


In the beginning of this dream I am watching a family of four in a house. There is a husband and wife getting ready for work and two children (A little boy and girl) getting ready for school. If I had to guess, I'd say the children were maybe somewhere between ages 10 and 14. When everyone is ready, they rush out into a red convertible. The husband is behind the wheel driving on a very busy highway and the scenery reminded me a lot of California. There were palm trees and those weird spiky shrubs everywhere. So, I'm watching this very normal family, now stuck in traffic, from above like a boring reality TV show until I somehow become self aware... and the second I do, I start falling from the sky. I land hard in one of those big, spiky shrubs beside a palm tree and I immediately realize that I am naked because I can feel it poking me ALL over my body. I landed right beside this family's convertible and the whole family starts freaking out. The woman and man jump out to help. The woman helps me up while the man throws his overcoat on top of me. No one went to work or school that day and instead they turned around and drove strait home.

Once at their house they tried prying me for information and I honestly, in this dream, had no idea who I was or where I had come from. The information did not exist. I think that may have been the first time I've ever not known who I was in a dream, and boy did that feel weird. I was just as shocked as these guys. I didn't have a name to give them or an address or any sort of family. I felt very confused in this dream. A STRONG feeling of being confused too. I didn't even realize that I should have a name or address or family. I thought it was weird that they thought I should. I weirdly was not too concerned about having just plopped out of the sky. THAT seemed more natural to me than having a name, family, or address. I was, however, somehow aware that I should not be naked... but was not as concerned about it as I think I would have been in any other dream. It was mildly embarrassing and very inconvenient, especially having landed in the spiky shrub thing. I guess it made sense to me that you would fall out of the sky naked. Anyway, after cleaning me up and getting NO information out of me, this couple decided that I had amnesia and that they were going to care for me in their home until I could remember a name and they set up a place for me to rest in their attic. I liked the attic because it had a skylight where I could look up into the stars as I fell asleep. And I did sleep.

The next day I was to go shopping with the woman for clothes. This was probably the most fun in the dream, because EVERYTHING was so exciting and new. It literally felt like magic. Like I had NEVER seen stores before or had gone shopping in a mall before. Everything was new and magical and took my breath away. Every store, every parking lot, every flower and the super green grass. It was an amazing feeling and had the dream ended there, it probably would have been the best dream I've ever had as far as having feelings of happiness and excitement. But after shopping, as we were walking back towards the vehicle, I saw a man. I KNEW this man. I didn't know how or from where, but I KNEW him and remembered that I was madly in love with him. He was casually talking to two or three other people beside his own vehicle and I wanted very much to run up to him and scream out "HERE I AM! I AM HERE! I FOUND YOU!" But I couldn't do that, because that is what crazy people do. Even not remembering anything, I knew that much. I started to tell the woman that I knew this man, but it would be weird if he didn't recognize me or knew who I was. SO, instead of talking to her, I walked past his car casually a couple of times to see if he would notice me. He did not. He looked at me briefly and then looked away and carried on with his conversations. Nothing about me struck him at all and I was very disappointed and sad. My heart felt heavy and I wanted to cry a bit... but maybe he just didn't get a good look at me. Maybe I would see him again. When we got home I cried under the skylight until I fell asleep.

The next day I was going somewhere with the father of the house and noticed the man again. I KNEW this man. I was MADLY in love with this man and I somehow had to make him see me. I felt like if he saw me he would feel like I did! Like I was his long, lost love. Again, I wanted to scream out "HERE I AM! I AM HERE!" (For some reason in those exact words) but couldn't because only crazy people do that and it would be super weird and probably pretty creepy. I jumped out of the moving convertible and slowly walked up to the man, then smiled and waved shyly. He was standing next to his car and gave me a really creeped out half smile and slight wave before getting into his car and driving off. I started to cry as I watched him leave. This was heartbreaking to me. It even felt like it physically hurt. He didn't recognize me at all... if anything, he probably thought I was weird. I felt sick to my stomach... I felt a heartbreaking sadness like I have never felt in my entire life, and believe me when I tell you that I've felt some incredible sadness. But this sadness was somehow different. It was "soul shattering". It hurt to the very core of my being.

When I somehow got back to the house, I climbed into the attic and cried for what felt like forever. I was in this unbearable physical and emotional pain... and while I have felt pain in dreams before... I've NEVER felt anything to this magnitude, and I'm sure that reading this, it doesn't seem like it should be THAT big of a deal. But it was somehow. In the dream anyway... The family checked on me a time or two, but I was inconsolable. I wailed and cried in a corner of that attic for what felt like days. Then suddenly a black cat appeared in there with me. It was almost like it just materialized out of the wall. It could talk and called me over to it and began to tell me a story and as it talked I could see everything that it was saying in a vision. It's story was pretty far fetched and sad. It told me the story of a woman from a very wealthy family who lived hundreds of years ago. A past incarnation of myself. She was incredibly talented and smart. She was very gifted in art and music, and was very lovely. She was also very in love with a poor man. Her parents had arranged a marriage to a "suitable" man and she was forbidden to be with the poor man. The cat went on to say that running away with the man was not an option and would lead to terrible things happening to her and her lover. She also couldn't bear the thought of being with the man that she was to wed. She did not love him in the slightest and she was heartbroken that she was to wed him... so she somehow, as the cat put it, "shattered her soul" into two. One part of her was amazingly talented and smart and confident. Because of this she was very successful and lived a happy life. She either did not remember being in love with the man or was content to live without him. The other part of her, the shattered part, was also talented and smart but had no confidence... and also suffered terrible luck. She was very sentimental and more emotional and she was not as successful in life. This was the price of shattering into two. And, ironically, one reason the shattered soul would have a difficult time finding and being with her love. It was unclear, in the cat's story, whether or not the shattered part of her got to live out her days this incarnation with the man she loved, just that she shattered herself to be able to do so, because she and this man were "soul mates".  As I watched and was told these things, that already unbearable pain and sorrow was somehow increased and began to feel familiar. And this, was one of the weirdest things to feel in the dream. I was then told by the cat that I had reincarnated many times to be with this man and had been wandering around lifetimes to find him and often lived out painful, unlucky lives which resulted in me "fading away". In many reincarnations one of us were too old or two young or for some reason just couldn't be together...and I would literally just fade into nothing. And after the cat told me this, I could just feel myself drowning in despair. I looked at my hands and my fingertips had become see-through. It was happening! It was night time when the cat told me this... and it told me that at dawn I would completely disappear. And for a little while longer I cried... but then thought to myself that this might be a good thing. I had my next reincarnation to look forward to.

The family I was staying with came up to see me one last time and I told them what the cat had told me about disappearing. The children cried and held my hands and the husband and wife hugged one another. I was still in a lot of physical and emotional pain... but weirdly optimistic at the same time knowing that the pain would soon end and that I would reincarnate again. The family got out a tiny white tea light and set it next to me and lit it. Right at dawn the flame would burn out and I would vanish as well. I could feel myself getting weaker and see through the skylight that the sky was beginning to brighten and I thanked the family for taking me in and taking such good care of me and asked them to be happy for me rather than sad because I was off again to find my soul mate. They tried to smile and seem less upset for my sake which was sweet of them. The last thing I saw before waking from the dream was the puff of smoke when the candle burned out.

I woke up from this dream to find that I had actually been crying in my sleep. I had soaked my pillow.

I've had many memorable dreams throughout my life, and this one will probably be at the top of the list for a long time.

[ThePaladin]

Some years ago, I had difficulty believing something that happened to me. It was something that should not have been possible, according to what I had been taught my entire life. Yet, it happened and the beings that spoke with me were as real as anyone on this planet. When I expressed the notion that I couldn't believe they were there, one of them smiled at me and said it didn't matter whether or not I believed in them, they believed in me. As the years have passed and other seemingly impossible things have occurred and I have come to the conclusion that those who teach that such things are impossible are either clueless or don't want to believe there's more going on in this world than they can reason out with logic.

Soooo...this is a long way of saying you may not believe in reincarnation but that doesn't mean it isn't a real occurrence. To quote Sherlock Holmes: When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

I also think your dream was the answer to your intention, just not in a way you expected or could even accept. You even had a teacher-the cat-explain things to you. The fact that you haven't forgotten any of this dream indicates that you know on some level that what the teacher cat told you was true, even if you find it hard to believe in your waking life. Yet you knew that the man you were with at the time wasn't the one for you because the one who was for you was still out there somewhere.

And I suspect you won't find that man until you reintegrate the severed parts of your soul into the whole again.

Take it for what it's worth.

[Elyse]

Thanks for your insight, ThePaladan! I was hoping to hear what someone else thought of this one, and it sounds like you saw a lot of the same things I did, which actually makes me feel a lot better and more confident in my own interpretation.

As you know, I've seen my share of strange things and have somehow managed to do some off the wall stuff... but rather than embrace my own experiences like you have, I was pretty freaked out by them until I found this place, and even since then it's been a constant struggle for me thinking that I may just be "crazy". It certainly didn't help being involved with someone who constantly tried to convince me I was crazy... I think I'm starting to FINALLY realize that fighting my dreams and intuition has helped me as much as these terrible relationships I somehow manage to get into.

I think you are right. I don't think I should just write off the possibility of reincarnation altogether. It certainly couldn't hurt to know more about it since the theme keeps popping up in my dreams. I both LOVE and hate the idea of reincarnation and soul mates. On the one hand, how comforting would it be to know there is life after death and a person out there perfect for you, and you perfect for them. To have that fairy tale sort of love that carries on, not just in this lifetime, but in each and every lifetime! How amazing would it be to know that in each life you get to find your soulmate and fall in love with them over and over again until the end of time!?  But on the other hand... You'd have to be pretty lucky to share life after life with your soulmate. It's assuming you find them and assuming a HUGE number of things hasn't happened to you or them or both of you. I think it's equally tragic to think that you could be doomed to a life without that kind of love, while believing it exists...  which was illustrated painfully in this dream. I don't like to believe in destiny. I like the idea that we choose who we are to a large extent. The idea of soulmates, especially when combined with reincarnation, I feel challenges that idea to some degree. In a way, a huge part of your life is then predetermined. Either by a past life or a soulmate's past life. I can't say I know a lot about reincarnation, but I'm pretty sure it ties in with karma. So I assume both partners would have to be perfectly in sync throughout time eternal for you both to have a good chance at finding happiness together. It seems like even then there are so many things that would factor in. From the little bit I've read, it sounds like karma can get pretty complicated.

While incarnation looks like something I should learn a little more about, what I got most from this dream had very little to do with actual reincarnation. Sounds like you saw that too. Like most of my dreams, this was also a very metaphorical dream, but one I FINALLY understood. Probably due to the intensity of strong emotional pain I felt. This dream illustrated my situation at the time. The reincarnation or "rebirth" was symbolic of change. Every day we each make choices and do things that change us as a person in a good or bad way. Anyone at anytime can CHOOSE who they want to be, change, and, in a way, be "reborn" then start a "new life"... but that doesn't mean that it will be easy or that it won't hurt, in fact its usually pretty challenging and sometimes painful. I think that this dream was a calling for change. I was being shown that my current path would lead to more heartbreak. Both halves of the shattered woman was me. I could have been the woman who chose a more "suitable" partner and who gained confidence and focused on her talents and finding her own happiness ... but I chose to be the broken fragment that relied on someone else to validate her existence with the belief he was my soulmate. Someone who didn't see me for who I was. Someone who would allow me to "shatter" myself to make them happy. Someone, who in every way, proved he was not my soulmate. And the end result of this was me "faded away" into nothing after a chosen life of misery. I had chosen this path repeatedly. (The actual "relationship" was an on and off again relationship. I was constantly told I wasn't good enough and that I had to "change" for this man to be happy, who in the end and despite all of my efforts to please him, decided I wasn't good enough for him anyway.) Believing this and letting this cycle continue would ensure that the pain would also continue. The cat never said that in the incarnation in which I shattered myself for this man, we were even together. It was quite possible that I did that for him all in vain... and I sort of get the feeling that is exactly what happened... because I never felt any joy or happiness once that man came into the dream. The "love" I felt , in that dream, was painful and punishing. A true soulmate would have either added to or enhanced the joy and excitement I felt early on in the dream. I was initially very upset that the dream gave me such strong and painful feelings. It felt a lot like overkill... but after some reflection, I think it had to be that way, because a very serious point was being made, and had it not been THAT painful, I would have just shrugged that dream off like all of the others, because I'm stubborn like that sometimes. But I certainly got the answer to my intention. lol! I love how the dream ended. Well, at lease I did after thinking about it for a while. The last thing I saw in that dream was the candle going out... and then I woke up to a new day! A new chapter!

I liked that I was visited by a black cat this time. How fitting! Black cats are not often considered good luck, but being on the path that I was, I guess I really couldn't have expected to be visited by good luck. (lol!) "Bad luck", however, brought me some very invaluable insight and experience. With that, the ability to change my course, if I wanted to. I can use this insight to conjure up my own good luck! Having been visited by a cat in general may have been a clue as to where to start. Cats are pretty independent, intuitive, cuddly (sometimes)  and so, SO CUTE! They are also pretty good at setting boundaries and enforcing them. I think it's time for me to enjoy my own personal freedom for a while, heal, be a little more social, make use of my talents and embrace my intuition.

Also... I'm so sorry, but I can't NOT share this:
   

[ThePaladin]

LOL-love that kitteh's eyes!

A word to the wise: Just because someone may be your soulmate does not mean an easy relationship with them. You still bring all your crap to the table, and believe me, we come we a 747-load of crap because we're all carrying wounds we don't even realize we have but evidence themselves every day of our lives in how we live our lives.

We get a bit of a double whammy in terms of the wounds we carry. Our souls carry the wounds of all our lifetimes and our physical bodies carry the wounds of our genetic line. Fun times! I think part of our journeys on this planet is to learn the lessons of those wounds and, by extension, be healed of those wounds. And the true beauty of healing our own wounds is we don't just heal ourselves. Any healing we do is like tossing a pebble in a pond. The healing energy ripples outward, touching everyone and everything in our lives, our past, and our future. We don't operate in a vacuum and we are not separate from anyone and anything in existence.

Whole books have been written on this topic because it's a lifelong process. Everyone has plenty of wounds to keep them occupied with healing for their entire lives, believe me.

As for reincarnation, it makes sense on a quantum level. We are all nothing but energy that vibrates at a specific frequency. All the energy in the universe is all the energy there is. No more, no less. So when new humans are born, new energy is not created for each one. No, they take on energy that has been in the universe all along. Our souls know how the energy that comprises them has been used before even if we don't. Sure, there are ways to find out where our souls came from and perhaps what human form carried them before, if we're willing to explore that aspect of ourselves. No biggie if we're not. Me, I like to know because I want to know what wounds I have to deal with that came from those experiences and how those wounds affect my life.

A good place to start, if you're interested, are the books of Brian Weiss.

[Goldengirl]

I would like to also say that a “soulmate” who agrees with everything you say and do isn’t my definition of assisting anyone’s soul growth. Our best and most helpful fellow travelers might be those who push you out of your comfort zone. Who help you and challenge you to stretch and grow as a soul. I’m not saying anyone should accept abuse. But if I can be challenged to look at life in a new way? Then that person is worth more to me than a yes man.

[Elyse]

Ooooh~ Thank you, ThePaladen! I'm always happy to get new book recommendations! The description you gave of energy does make a little more sense to me and I'd like to know more about that. After reading a little more about Karma, I cringe to think of what I must have been like in past incarnations. How does one find out about these wounds? Is this covered in the books you mentioned? Because I would really like to know more about that. You would not believe my terrible luck. LOL, I've been told many times I should write a book... :X
Anyway, would you mind telling me what the best starter book would be, in your opinion?

Maybe I wasn't clear in what I thought a "soulmate" was. In this dream, it was an eternal partner. I agree with you both. I think soulmates should indeed help you grow and challenge you. I know that relationships can be difficult and require a great deal of work and everyone comes with their own share of "baggage". I don't think anyone can or even should be happy in a relationship ALL the time. The good and bad things you work through as partners are the very things that help your soul develop, grow and bring you closer together, I think. But I also think that overall you should be more happy than miserable. I actually truly adored the man I mentioned and in spite of things was usually happy, but he didn't feel the same way about me and hurt me in many unforgivable ways.

A little about me: I am a survivor. It takes a lot for me to give up on a serious relationship and I try to see the good in everyone. I often tend to see people as they could be, rather than as they are, which I realize now is unfair to both them and myself. I have endured many forms of abuse and cheating. I'll stay in a serious and committed relationship as long as I believe that the person I am with is doing their best to work through their issues. I know how challenging that can be and how important having support in that is... as I have my own challenges. I try to be encouraging and supportive, UNTIL I am told by the person I am with that they feel no need to change their abusive or hurtful behaviors. At that point, I leave for good. The man mentioned in this dream was no different, except that I refused to give up on him, believing him to be my "soulmate". The many times he broke up with me, I waited faithfully for him to return... and he did, after fulfilling his own selfish desires. While there were some things that he did for me that were quite wonderful, to include challenging me in very good ways, there were things that he did that were extremely hurtful and unforgiving and often detrimental to my own healing process... even so, I let him make the call to turn in the towel. And that last time was the final time and his choice.

I believe that this man was narcissistic, but I knew that this wasn't his choice and also not his fault. I kept his 'condition' in consideration and often catered to him knowing full well what it meant, but asking for the simplest things, such as a bit of emotional support or affection, would prove to be to much for him and he would explode into a fit of rage and often do everything in his power to crush me then leave me. It finally just grew to be too much for me to bear. My attempts to get emotional support or affection from him were too much for him as he felt that by me asking, even in the sweetest way I could, I was implying he wasn't doing enough for me and somehow challenging him. One reason I "disappeared" from the Dream Center, and other places, was because he often mocked my beliefs or got very jealous and it left me feeling very hurt, confused and lost. And I still feel that way to some degree, so again, I'm slowly just trying to feel my way around and collect myself. I've finally started dreaming again, and I think that is a good start.

Depending on the definition of a soulmate, it could be that this man was my soulmate. I struggle with the idea. It's truly heartbreaking to think that he could be, if there is such a thing as it was presented in the dream. But, maybe a soulmate is more of a life-long partner that helps your soul develop as needed throughout a lifetime, rather than a sort of eternal partner your soul is somehow linked to.

In the dream, other than me "knowing" this man and feeling like I loved him an incredible amount... there were no other clues. I never felt any sort of happiness or spiritual growth with him, just immense pain. I don't expect ALL sunshine and rainbows, but at least a little. His soul didn't even recognize mine. I never saw an incarnation where we were together. Maybe I was just being told that in this lifetime it could never work out. Could it be possible to feel infatuation with a soul and carry that throughout time? Because that was more of the impression I got. And I sort of hope that is the case, because if it is and if I could feel that sort of love for the wrong person, what would it be like to meet the right one?

[ThePaladin]

Everyone in our lives is there for a purpose. Some lift us up, some tear us down. But-and this is very important to understand-they are all there to teach us the lessons we need to learn so we can grow on our paths. We have danced our dances with them over and over, throughout different lifetimes, and we will continue to dance our dances with them until we learn the lessons they are to teach us.

And even in the worst of dysfunction and abuse, there are gifts they give us in the lessons they teach us. When we shift out of our victim modes and start looking for those gifts, our lives change. In my case, I come from a very dysfunctional, emotionally and physically abusive background. I grew up blaming my parents for everything that was wrong with me(yeah, how helpful isthat? ). Then one day I came across an exercise where the instructions were to write my life story in two versions. The first version was to start "Once upon a time, the stork delivered a baby to the wrong house." Oh, that was easy. Nooo problemo, with that one. Then came the second version, to write my life story with the start of "Once upon a time, the stork delivered a baby to the right house." I'll admit that was tough. Took me a long time to write that one because I kept wondering how it was possible that my childhood-my crutch so I didn't have to do my own work-could be considered good? Yet as I struggled through that version I began to see something I had never noticed before: No matter what they did to me, no matter how bad it got, they never broke me. I never quit. I kept fighting and I was strong enough to fight back on behalf of my siblings, who didn't have my strength.

What really had me sitting up and taking notice, and was the start of a shift in my entire life, was realizing that if I hadn't learned how to fight, if I hadn't learned how to never quit no matter how bad things got, if I hadn't learned how to be strong, I would never have made it through my cancer. It would have been too easy to just lie down and die when I got my diagnosis of terminal cancer(Just in case you're wondering, I'm fine. I'm clean. No cancer in my body at all, according to the bone marrow biopsy I had earlier this year). That was the start of me changing my story from one of victim or survivor to one of a warrior.

It was at that point I could say with all honesty, "Thank you for the lessons you taught me. They were hard, and I didn't understand, but I do now. And I'm grateful." I began to see them from a different vantage point, that they were flawed, wounded people just trying to make it through the day as best they could. Sure, I still have pockets of anger towards them but I'm working through those, but when I could release the anger I had carried my entire life, I found compassion for them.

Personally, I think soulmates are vastly overrated. They may have a purpose in our lives but are they necessary? I don't think so. I have a soulmate but he's not the man I married and I'm very, very good with that because the man I married is perfect for me. I can't imagine my life without him in it, to be honest, and we've been together 40 years so far. So don't sweat not having your soulmate in your life. Be grateful for the lessons he taught you, have compassion for him, wish him well, and send him on his way.

Shoot, make a little ceremony out of saying goodbye and letting him go. Do it up, to demonstrate to yourself that you're strong enough to move on and ready for the next adventure.  

Books...oy. I'm an avid reader and I've been led to many, many different teachers, all with something to teach me. But a good one to start with is "The 4 Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. This book changed my life. Seriously.

---

Oh, and another one is Eckart Tolle's "The New Earth." It's not easy reading but it's powerful.

[Elyse]

Oh wow! Thank you for sharing your story with me. It is very inspirational and it seems like we have some things in common. I came from a very abusive family as well, much like yours from the sound of it. I'm just so sorry you had to go through all the things you had to go through! One of the most terrible things, I think, is not having loving parents to support and protect you. Your outlook is amazing! I love that you call yourself a warrior! And you are! You fought off TERMINAL CANCER!? That is AMAZING! How hard that must have been! And painful too! I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and I'm so sorry you had to suffer through that, but that is truly amazing!

I was angry at my parents (especially my mother) for a while. Aside from their abuse, they didn't protect me from predators. Through the years, though, rather than stay angry, I just began to feel sorry for them. I could tell, as I got older, that they had some issues of their own and that they were just people, like many people, trying to survive and live life the best they knew how. Growing up, my brother and sister were treated well so I fortunately didn't have to worry about protecting them the way you had to worry about your siblings. I couldn't imagine having to deal with such a huge burden at a young age. My brother became pretty violent, but when it came to my little sister, my parents stayed on top of that. From what I was told, my mother got very sick when she was pregnant with me and almost died. For a short time they lost me, then afterwards she suffered from terrible hallucinations and delusions involving me. (I'm guessing postpartum depression or something to do with eclampsia) She couldn't get past whatever it was and could never form a bond with me. My dreaming and seeing things didn't help and just creeped her out. Fortunately, I learned what NOT to do and try extra hard to be a loving and supportive mother.

I'll get myself "The 4 Agreements" for Christmas this year~ I just read the description and reviews on Amazon and am super excited. I LOVE getting new books! Ill probably grab "The New Earth" after I finish.

I'm sorry you didn't get to be with your soulmate, but very glad that you found someone perfect for you and that you are happy! Maybe in time I will find someone like that for me as well! But for now I plan on collecting myself, taking care of my children and getting back into college. I think that I will do a little ceremony. Not sure how I will go about it just yet, but it seems like a very good idea. I could never get him to hear me and he would often invalidate my feelings, I never felt understood. I've had a hard time trying to understand why he couldn't see me for who I was. A little ceremony might add some closure and help me release some of this negativity I still have towards him.

[ThePaladin]

Oh, I'm not pining for my soulmate. He's on his own journey and it doesn't include me, but that doesn't bother me. We might want to be together but not enough to upend our lives for each other. He went his way, I went mine, and I wish him well. Maybe the next time around. Who knows?

While I would never wish my cancer journey on anyone, it was the best thing that ever happened to me because it forced me to start examining my life and I didn't like what I saw. Plus, that's when this journey began for me because things happened during that time that I couldn't explain away or ignore.

A suggestion for a possible releasing ritual: On the next full moon-which just happens to be on New Year's Day, how's that for divine timing?-craft a small fire ceremony. If you have a fireplace, great. If not, use a candle. Doesn't matter, it's all about the intention you set anyway. Get your supplies together. Take a shower or bath in advance. Dress nicely. Have some wine, if you're so inclined. Set the intention to release your ex. Start your fire, whatever it may be. Write his name on a small piece of paper. Offer your thanks for the lessons you learned from him. Wish him well. Then release him and the energy of your relationship back to the universe. Watch it burn(If you do this with a candle, I suggest burying the piece of paper instead of burning it. It will work the same, with the energy going into the earth). Thank the universe that your ex was brought into your life to teach you that which you needed to know and to grow. Then, when the paper is gone, either wait for the fire to die down or blow out the candle. Thank the universe for its support. Have a cookie to celebrate, or whatever floats your boat, to welcome in whatever is coming next to you.

The full moon is about releasing that which no longer serves you. It's always a good time to get rid of clutter, which includes relationship clutter. The new moon is about creation, calling in that which you desire to create in yourself and your life.

This is just an idea, based on the tradition in which I've been trained. Let your intuition guide you for the best ceremony for you.

[Elyse]

Oh my God... the ceremony you described sounds PERFECT! I don't have a fireplace, but I do have a little area in my yard that I go to from time to time (usually when I'm upset late at night) and burn things and look at the stars... unless, of course, the owls are out. LOL!

Right on New Years... what a way to start fresh! THANK YOU for that suggestion!

Would it be weird to ask about the ways you've been trained?